i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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