I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
