eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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