that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
