I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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