this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
