Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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