They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
