Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
