Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize