quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
