According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
