living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
