My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
