i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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