i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
