whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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