did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
