i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
