Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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