i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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