if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize
