Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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