oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
