Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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