I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
