I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
