Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
