So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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