This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
