I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
