Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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