You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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