My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
