U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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