sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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