My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
