btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
