I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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