I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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