she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
