Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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