I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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