this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
