My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
