I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
