if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize