I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
This is my gift to your gina
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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