Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
