I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
