I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
