Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The ass gains better be worth it
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