just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
