I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
