Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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