Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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