I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
