Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
