i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
