On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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