i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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