I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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