I wish I could teleport
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
